Don't Want

I don't wanna sleep 'cause I hate my dreams
I don't wanna speak 'cause I'm filled with screams
I don't wanna breathe 'cause it's all too much
I don't wanna feel 'cause I'll break to touch

I don't wanna be shot down again
No, I don't wanna be locked out again
No, I don't wanna lose another friend
Right now I don't wanna be who I am

The Tourist

I’m a bored and boring tourist inside my own body

I’m so sick of the same old sights and traveling alone

I can’t speak the language and the food here makes me nauseous 

I’m done with this prolonged vacation, when can I go home

I’m the new kid in my head

Nobody here will be my friend

I sit alone at lunch and cry 

Got another detention, not sure why

All my regrets ring out like thunder

I want to hurt myself so bad they have to put me under

But I can’t let anyone else in 

Or they might lock me up again

How and Why

When they deny so fervent

I wonder how and why

If they simply forget 

Or if they know and lie

Like all my own abusers

They simply never saw

Themselves as venom users

Or in the wrong at all

You don’t need an excuse

If you don’t think it’s abuse

There's No Such Thing As Closure

Perhaps goodbye is overdue
I, a coward, and you with better things to do
The answers rarely appear, rarely sufficient, barely true
It's not right, it's not enough, it's still me still loving you

bldnplhnds

You can buy a new image, deny your privilege, 

hide your family’s lineage, compiling interest

dream of revelations, realizations, new each generation 

swallow all sensations, wallow in frustration, bury your foundations 

But damn it man, don’t you fail to understand, there’s blood on all our pale hands

Is it common sense yet/ that this violence is senseless/ not past tense enough to ingest a new perspective/ silence dense as border fences/ who objects to who elects to inject more nonsense objectives/ for days we gaze unaffected, hooked up to look for what the inflections intended effect is/ is it still a bribe if the incentive is effective/ is it still alive if the cells divide so reckless/ is it still a lie if it tells itself/ the feckless sex with the power to overinvest in our own selfish wealth/ and it’s all still a pill we fill up with the most, here’s a toast to your downfall and your health, bro

like confident queries countered by a wary stare into unfair, contrary, correlary pairs

Each map packed with stacks of facts that counteract what actually happened

Unawares, our nascent reactions tracking back to ancient tribal pacts, while there

Bold, tackling old habits like tensions flaring, intention sharing is rarely ever this very varied

Tragic that we drink up magic thinking, don’t blink or you’ll miss this titanic sinking

Don’t start or we’ll part ways without you, the art’s to doubt who you are without proof

Too aloof to, like goof, see eye to eye, time flying by and what happens is, like atticus

We act as if these shoes don’t fit, so we borrow a pair and walk around in it 

It’s only fair that now we’re drowning in alliances, encountering contrivances 

Dipping into daliances and daily dying just to try and feel alive again

Practical Contemporary Socioeconomics

What’s the use for you, you useless loser

Stop selling me excuses or a bruise or two’s soon in your future

If you’re not a producer then you’re a lazy leech consumer

Waitin’ ‘round for the day they say who? you? yeah, you’ll do, sure

But I can insure your poor ass, you’re a glass of pulp without the juice, you’re 

A couped up, stupid fluke of putrid puke who can’t even say “can do, sir”

‘cause your attitude is so acute, your latitude has pulled the chute, for

A hint, look under tasks soon to be replaced by a computer

What? you want something brighter or safer or cooler

Well you’ll take what you can get because beggars can’t be choosers

Get up, get in gear, break your brain, beat your bod

You better make something out of nothing out of uneven odds

Turning nobs or scrubbing floors or waiting ‘round to get robbed

What am I kiddin’ you’re just another good for nothing, sorry slob

Don’t you come back here again until I hear you’ve got a job, so

Get a job, get a job, get a job, get a, get a, get a...

No more pretentiousness, just list your references

Nobody cares about your wish list or preferences

You’re in the business biz, so find a business kid

‘Cause life’s expensive shit won’t come for lowest bids

And you’re a lowlife, it’s obvious enough you’ll quit

Just like you always did, so why even bother with

Lookin’ at higher hits, when it’s less hit than miss

And more intensive bliss, comes after mortgages

And your college’s degree might help a bit

But even masters sit and wait with patience, since

You entry level ants still needs experience

Forget all common sense. You better make amends 

If you make anything at all you’re barely makin’ cents

So get a job, get a job, get a job, get a, get a...

You can work and work and work and work all day

And if you even get paid it’s a minimum wage

No one living can say it’s enough to live anyway

So we pray in god we trust and bust our butts to decay

The Losing Side

A simple man of modest means

Seeking his dreams like he’s looking for lost keys

Stashed up with memories 

Of who he used to be

A rope tied around his throat

Choked out with doubt

Till he can hardly breathe

Picking at seams

He watches his friends leave

Their final words, obscenities

Rolls up the window, turns the AC up cold

And the stale air through his thinning hair

And the scent of the seats 

And the ache in his knees says he’s growing old

All told there’s mold under the glove compartment

Ever since he left that dark apartment

Ever since he left his heart discarded 

Started sleeping in his car again and spends

All his money on gasoline

And all his time on elegies for what could’ve been

He won’t stop looking but he never sees

Beyond daily atrocities

And the building bills and fees it takes

To make it in the land of the free where nobody’s home

As some simple man of modest means

Stuck in traffic on a lonely road

They say beggars can’t be choosers 

Still we’re begging just to get by

In a world of winners and losers

We’re fighting for the losing side

At Arms Length

Fire off your mouth 

A shot across the bow

The chauvinist who goes ballistic 

So insistant, self-inflicted 

I wait for the blow, to undergo a show of our strength

Force will take the poll, we keep the whole world at arms length

Collecting shells upon the sand 

We set our sights for foreign land

And breathe the burning powder 

As we wait for tides to change 

Plunging in only arms deep 

The blood of ages, widows weep 

And measure down the barrel 

Pray for pain to test our aim 

Don’t tell me they don’t kill 

When all these people will 

Not a day goes by and still 

We’re shaking with the thrill 

Of burning holes to drill 

With bullets, blood to spill

Overture

I’ve been told there are those whom you love and those that you leave

And mostly I fall on the latter half of these 

Okay, let’s admit it I fit quite adequately 

In the category of those you’d do well to forget or flea 

But I can’t be okay as the mistake you might say 

You only made on your way to something better

A moment of bliss that’s maybe missed but won’t matter

A friendship that bloomed but was always doomed to fail

A ship full of dreams shared but now long-since sailed

I don’t want to be just a footnote to your fairytale 

I don’t want to be just another long-lost lesson learned 

A bridge long burned, a fork you turned and never looked back

I’m losing track of the facts in the case of those who stabbed mine when I had theirs 

And I’m starting to be scared that my judgement is highly impared 

Though it’s certainly not all your fault or really all mine either

It’s just that I am most commonly the common denominator and besides, there’s

So many people who seem to find happiness everyday 

It can make one wonder if maybe I just don’t work that way 

Is my acquaintance just one of those steps that you’ll take 

On the path to a promised happily ever after 

So you can laugh it off someday so glad you avoided that disaster 

Whether it’s a matter of fate or if I’m my own life-line’s master

The universe is happy either way to watch me fail 

And end up as just a footnote to your fairytale

He and I

He's what you might call offensively attractive
I'm what you might call defensively unattractive

Like an athlete, his effort is obvious and yet inexplicable,
results uncontainable
Like a cut from shaving, my effort is accidental and ordinary,
results embarrassing

He's something carved, sharp and particular, a masterpiece with a garnish
I'm something discarded, sloppy and porous, burnt around the edge of the pan

It is a joy to be swept up in his entrance
It's a relief when I'm not there

He lives in the moments he colors with confidence
I'm still dripping with the stink of childhood mistakes

He's got something good to say
I blink in awkward silences

His arms can hold you, let you know you'll be alright
You don't wanna shake my hand if you can help it

Everyone I know is madly in love with him
And I am too

Gradations on a Fake Wooden Table

Nothing matters less than I guess right now
I do
I don't
I won't care if you never talk to me again
I dare you to
I lied, I care
I will always care
Overshare
I know
I don't

Simple Man of Modest Means

Simple man of modest means 

Rolls up his shirt sleeves

Dreams of counter culture, scrolling the job listings 

Leans back for the vultures, rolling tongue, teeth glistening

Who’s listening? 

There’s a scratch in the glass in front of his left eye 

And a note he’s rubbed raw in a frayed denim pocket

There’s two sides to every coin he’s stretched 

And more than I’ll ever know of love, he’s already forgotten

Simple man of modest means 

A stack of paperbacks in the back seat 

Sleeps in parking lots, plays guitar in parks at dawn

Keeps a growing list of thoughts he can no longer rely on

Brain or brawn

There’s a hole in the wall just big enough to see through

And a resume with aging names and numbers

There’s a new scar or two on his wrist since he last slept

And some songs on his chapped lips that itch for words 

Simple man of modest means

The winters smell like gasoline 

Summers gleam sweat stains and grinding teeth

Nothing seems the same since ends won’t meet 

More bitter than sweet

Choke On a Fork

They try to tell me nothing's perfect
But there's better and there's worse, it's
Easy to see that nothing's worth it
When you're hurting, skirting round despair
'Cause nothing's fair
And I look round and nothing's there
Then I look inside and heart is where
Who knows? Who cares?
I'm scared, but that ain't nothing new
I'm overdue for death
But I'm not old enough yet
I'm upset but unimpressed by all I've managed to forget
And regret is like the pills I take daily to keep me sanely functional
But I ain't sane or functional
I'm under a compunction to keep misunderstanding ever second of this dumb shit
So what am I writing for
Act like I'm fighting for some dumb wish
What the world could be
I've been a few places but still got no idea what my world should be
So fuck this shit, nobody reads it
Fuck my shit, nobody needs it
No friends, life ends
No one gives a fuck about
Same old thoughts I'm stuck around
Same old thoughts just up and down
Game's been bought, I'm nothing now
Maybe I'll reach up from the ground
But right now I'm just drowning

On the tip of a waking match

Was it a dream of a memory? I thought, but then again it changed.
The light shining from a separate side.
A conversation, from memory, about a dream.
A memory of a dream, we recalled.
Talking about our dreams, and the way the layers fall.
Everything so blurred around the edges now.
What once felt so urgent.
How they burn the corners of every thought to make it feel so immediate
Then in waking how it stretches long and thin from behind my tired eyelids
Trying to think of the word for which there is no sound
Or find meaning in a sense of aching loss
Like a friend I've been meaning to call
I scroll through the names and the letters won't add up right
The bitter gnaw of waking
And I've sweat through my sheets
And my sanity

Neon Phalanx

We’re grazing revolution with our brittle fingertips

And breathing heavy in the halls of counterfeit love

Digging ditches for the bricks of politics

And scratching sidewalk chalk on down the highways of our hope

My ambition is desperation

My religion is uncertainty

I will not worship distance and ambiguity and power 

But I will sing the praises of the heathens with heart beats and stomping feet

I will tithe before the poor who don’t start wars and don't eat meat

And I will bow to no one until my ankles are cut with ballots

Toxic Crop

when all the bullets have sewn their toxic crop 

when all the cannons have fired and the bombs all been dropped

tell me when this never-ending war will stop

will we take a break from taking lives when enough people die

gotta give peace it's time, but you gotta make your own mind up

i'm not asking for utopia 

i'm not begging just to differ

i've been tasked by my conscience 

to do more than keep an upper lip stiff or

drift from romance to romance

or play the prince's pauper dance

a paper trance we all fall down

listen and justice will call out

while real heroes die for the crime of speakin' truth

whistleblowers locked and lowered by the kings with guns and bombs and loot 

little secrets leaked by keepers, i hope they never get caught 

while the naked emperor lies like lies are all the sense that he's got

i'm not saying i got answers

but the questions need asking

what can be gained from mortal pain 

on this mortal plane we keep blasting 

hospitals and homes blown by drones flown

by the heroes countin' zeroes down from tuitions they owe

looking for an out through the orders they follow

flying flags over borders, more propaganda to swallow 

i'm feeling hollow hearing news that again we abuse these tools

tax dollar theft, can't catch our breath, too busy drowning in debt

another scandal I can't handle, tell me are we great again yet

Open Wound

Someday this laptop will die
And take the files with your smile
I probably should have erased
After such a long while

Someday I'll be someone else
I think I already am
I probably should just forget you
But I don't think I can

And I still dream
Of seeing you and it's alright
And I wake
To another cold and lonely night

You've cut me too deep
I'll be bleeding through
In my memory
You're still an open wound

This town is drowning with time
The suffocating past
You probably shouldn't be here
I'm probably talking too fast

And I still think
Just a moment of your time and some honesty
Could make this
Right again, somehow you'll see

You've cut me too deep
I'll be bleeding through
In my memory
You're still an open wound

Is it too much to ask
For a moment of truth
Just 'cause we didn't last
Doesn't mean I didn't want you

I want you
I still want you

Someday this laptop will die
Soon this message will end
I should be asking me why
I even want to press send

here's your tie, sir

here's your tie, sir, lookin' great, no why i would never lie, sir, please try sir, to stick to the script we inflict on the old do or die, sir

here’s your endless war like an open sore that keeps pussin while we’re fussin with our credit scores

here’s your executive call, here’s your border wall, here’s your plate stacked tall with all that falls on more than casinos and shopping malls 

here’s your best intentions, failed to mention monkey-wrenches in passive aggressive short quotable sentences

here’s your no nonsense, non-PC, not for nothing but nothing much ‘cause only this much nothing comes for free, so screw democracy, chew hypocrasy like scenery and win an oscar for your media monopoly, your national debt, your imminent threat, your business demeanor scheming to deport dreamers, scream so you loud you don’t have to mean it but don’t forget to place your bet, ‘cause we may be lucky enough to live just to live to regret, not so ready, not so set, but tell me are we great again yet

What Are You Waiting For?

We’re all stumbling around 

With fish hooks in our mouths 

And lines to the sky tangled up in the cloud 

We’re all looking away 

Perpetually longing for something just out of sight

We wait for and wonder what could, what should, what just might 

Happen...like something amazing I guess

It might happen...something amazing I guess

Calisthenics

Even my imaginary heroes have all died
Even my closest friends have all lied
While the world spins madly on without me
And yet I wonder if I've been left behind
Or simply spared?